Friday, 18 September 2009

Ode to Phil Brown

With his songs, his fur collars and tan
His headset, pink sweaters, the plan
Is to take his great name
To the top of this game
Phil Brown - I’m The Dude, I’m The Man.


He had a great striker in King
But he sacked him, now see, here's the thing
If you dare speak your mind
Pretty soon you will find
Yourself flat on your butt in Phil’s ring.


For his Cousin there's no brotherly love
No peace on the wings of a dove
He'd rather play Marney
Than praise Geovanni
He's the manager sent from above.


He’ll sit you on the pitch at half time
Play Garcia if you step out of line
Have plenty to say
On Match of The Day
Have a whinge, have a rant, get a fine.


He’ll sell his best players for nowt
‘It was out of my hands’, he will shout
He flogged Michael Turner
For a nice little earner
‘But we’re buying Ledley King and Dirk Kuyt'.


His players all think he’s a joke
He’s an ‘apple for Sir’ sort of bloke
Once Peter Halmosi
Brought a peach and a posy
And got twenty five minutes at Stoke.


He’s a self-obsessed Mackem full of twaddle
Who thinks he’s a Calvin Klein model
He plays one man up front
He’s a right Stephen Hunt
Sack him now – bring in Strachan or Hoddle.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Tigers Swoop For Beckham

Following David Beckham’s declaration that he is prepared to leave LA Galaxy and return to the Premier League ‘for a club other than Manchester United’, Hull City Chairman, Paul Duffen, and manager, Phil Brown, have been quick to announce that they have Beckham firmly in their sights.

Duffen told The Daily Spliff, “We feel that Hull would be the perfect destination for David, given his desire to leave Los Angeles. We are putting together an offer as we speak”.

The England and ex-Real Madrid star, who wants to enhance his chances of playing in Fabio Capello’s England World Cup side next summer, is also considering a return to recent loan club, AC Milan. However it is thought that former Milan boss, Carlo Ancelotti, is equally keen to bring Beckham to Stamford Bridge in his capacity as new Chelsea manager.

But Hull are leading the chase.

Hull have recently been thwarted in their efforts to sign a succession of leading players. Prime target, Michael Owen, recently rejected Hull’s overtures by surprisingly selecting English and World Club Champions, Manchester United over the KC Stadium, as did AS Nancy striker, Marc-Antoine Fortune, who preferred to opt for former European champions, Celtic. Only this week, Manchester United and Tottenham starlet, the England Under-21 International, Fraizer Campbell, also spurned the Tigers and chose perennial relegation stragglers, Sunderland, instead.

“We are deadly serious about this”, said Duffen, from his speed-restricted Skoda. “Hull City and David Beckham would be a perfect match”.

Despite a catalogue series of signings setbacks, Hull are now poised to make their first close season signing following a succession of rejections.

The highly rated Daryl Murphy of Sunderland has agreed to join the Tigers for the sizeable fee of almost £1.5 million.

“This is excellent news”, said Duffen. ” We feel that Daryl is in any case a better all-round player than Michael Owen, and we are very flattered that he has agreed to join us”.

Duffen added that in the unlikely event of Beckham opting against a move to East Yorkshire, Hull have already identified an alternative target.

“We will be making a very realistic £25,000 offer for Doncaster Rovers midfielder, Brian Stock, who we see as a terrific young prospect and a very viable alternative to Beckham”, added the Tigers Chairman.

Hull manager, Phil Brown, whose head is currently in the high altitude clouds of Bormio, commented from his team’s Italian training base,

“I was immensely proud to be rejected by Michael Owen only a week ago. If a player of David Beckham's calibre were to turn us down as well, then I would be positively bursting. This would be another great day in Hull City’s history”.

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Strikers Wanted (m/f)

Hull City (‘The Tigers’) are a professional football club currently playing in the English Premier League, a division in which the team finished in a creditable seventeenth position (out of twenty) last season.

We are now looking to urgently recruit several experienced strikers (offensive goalscorers) in order to complement and reinforce our dynamic attacking department.

If you think you can –

  • Run around the pitch for at least 60 minutes without looking as though you simply can’t be knacked with the effort of it all.
  • Get off your backside and start at least jogging lethargically back to the halfway line within thirty seconds of losing the ball to the opposition and being dumped on your arse every five minutes.
  • Understand the offside rule.
  • Remember to apply it during matches.
  • Shoot and cross a ball as effectively as you can abuse match officials.
  • Avoid nightclubs, stolen cars, speeding fines, extra-marital relationships and general extra-curricular violence.
  • Speak half a dozen words in English.
  • Hit the side of a double decker bus with a space hopper from two yards.
  • Score at least one, and preferably more than four goals in a season.
  • Not have your own blogspot.
  • Be neither Australian nor called Manucho,

- then we would be very interested to hear from you.


We are offering –

  • A starting salary of £10,000 - £45,000 per week dependent upon injury record.
  • Long term contract to cover all pension arrangements.
  • Free medical treatment including reconstructive knee surgery if required.
  • All expenses-paid convalescence in Colorado, USA.
  • A busy and friendly treatment room with several ex-England internationals as regular company – soon to be supplemented if Michael Owen agrees to join us.
  • Guaranteed free weekly 90 minute lesson in Hungarian should you find yourself on the substitutes’ bench.
  • Regular coach trips to Blackburn, Bolton, Burnley, Wigan, Stoke and Wolverhampton.
  • Free on-pitch oranges during half-time team talks.
  • Automatic invitation to annual end of season party, including karaoke entertainment by the club manager.

All applications to be submitted in an A4 envelope, marked for the attention of Mr. P. Duffen, Chairman, Hull City AFC.

We are an equal opportunities employer and positively encourage applications from female, disabled and ethnic minority candidates. Applications from infirm candidates who are over 30 years of age and carrying career-threatening injuries, to whom we can offer the security of a long term, high value contract, are especially welcome.

An ability to communicate with your team mates using Morse Code, Semaphore, Sign Language or Braille is desirable but not essential. Candidates meeting the specified English standard will be given full training in the use of specialised terminology such as ‘Man on’, ‘Our throw’ and ‘You must be f*****g joking, linesman’.

Applicants should note that all shortlisted candidates will be invited to attend a series of aptitude tests at the KC Stadium, where a full range of cows, shovels, barn doors and banjos will be provided.

Previous applicants are positively encouraged to re-apply.




Thursday, 19 March 2009

Time For The Truth, Cesc.

Trumpet here.

I just wanted to say that any evidence there might be against Cesc Fabregas in this whole shenanigans sounds to me to be a bit loose and watery at best. It seems there is a very real possibility that he is being falsely and even slanderously accused.

But the young man has pretty much kept his mouth shut for the last two days. Surely it is finally time to open it?

I believe it's high time that he finally clears his throat, coughs up the truth, and spits it out without further hesitation.

That would make him look a whole lot better in my eyes.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Trevor Trumpet On The Fulham Game

Trevor Trumpet here.

I can't stay long, as I have a dozen pigs to deal with this morning. I'll bet that makes me sound like a Millwall fan - but I'm not - honestly.

Paul Duffen said that those Millwall fans are just small minded idiots who have no genuine appreciation of the game of football. And that goes for me as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I thought we were the best team on the day last night - and we deserved our win. Having watched the game, I think a 0-0 draw would have been a fair result, but a 1-0 win was even fairer.

I'll have my chopper in my hand and a smile on my face all day after that performance last night.

That's the first time Manucho has scored in years, apparently. It was just an instinctive poke, but I can only wonder just what it feels like to get your leg over the end of a beauty like that. I'll bet Richard Garcia is feeling pretty pleased with himself, too - he was the one who delivered the cross after beating about five defenders. He was really excited after that dribble - you could see it all over his face.

Whatever - I just wanted to say that I hope all those people who were calling for Phil Brown's head are squirming in their boots this morning. Phil Brown is a born winner and a top manager who has succeeded at the very highest level. He proved this by finishing third in the Championship last season.

Anyway, Brownie showed last night that he has finally got this ship back on the road. So let's celebrate for a change, hope there are no more holes in our hull, and sink a few to that.

Speaking words of wisdom.

Trevor.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Trevor Trumpet On The Blackburn Game

My name is Trevor Trumpet.

I used to say that what I don’t know about football you could fit on a postage stamp. But as most people seem to send their letters by e-mail these days, I always now say that what I don’t know about football you could fit on a microchip.

In recognition of the fact that I know so much about the game, all my friends used to call me Clever Trevor. Now they have raised the bar and call me José, as they say that I’m also quite a special one.

It’s nice when people compliment you like that.

Anyway, I was gutted that we lost to Blackburn. We definitely deserved to win that game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half hour. We pummeled them from start to finish. We must have had a dozen corners. Maybe twelve. I don't know - I'm guessing. But only two teams were ever in that game – and we were one of them. If they hadn’t scored twice, we would have won.

The bloke who sits next to me said he thought we underestimated Blackburn – and that’s why Phil Brown put out a weakened team. But I don’t think we underestimated them – they just turned out to be a lot better than we thought.

Pity Geovanni missed that chance when he found himself unmarked in the box early on in the game. Geo is deadly ten times out of ten in those situations, but that wasn’t one of them.

I still don’t understand why Brownie didn’t bring Daniel Cousin on much earlier, though. We were losing 2-0, and as I see it, when you’ve got a fresh pair of legs up your sleeve, you’ve got to chance your arm.

But even though Brownie decided to take Geovanni off, and Dean Marney decided to take Gamst-Pedersen’s nadgers off, I wouldn't say we lost the game, really. We just ran out of time to get an equaliser.

By the way, that was quite a good strike by Marney, I thought. People always say that if Dean Marney had shot John Lennon, he’d still be alive today, but yesterday I think he proved them all wrong. He’s really quite the dead ball expert, after all. Although I do think he should apologise to Mrs. Gamst-Pedersen for putting his foot where no man's hand should go.

I noticed, by the way, that Phil Brown said after the game that Geovanni is not bigger than the club. Well he might be right about that, but he could have definitely said it about Aaron Lennon if he had been the one who had kicked a water bottle like that. Apart from a water bottle, Aaron Lennon can’t be bigger than anything, can he?

Watching him the other night when we played Spurs, five foot five looked even smaller in the flesh than it sounded in the programme. Marking him in the box, Anthony Gardner looked more like Gulliver in the land of Lilliput. I think that’s the reason Aaron Lennon kept lying down on the floor all the time – to try and disguise the height difference between the two of them. I can’t otherwise see why he should keep falling over all the time like that.

Anyway, even though we look as raw as a steak tartare at the moment, we’re still thirteenth in the Premier League, and apart from being in the top ten, you really can’t do better than that. We’ve still got a lot to look forward to. FA Cup Quarter Final coming up next. And football matches don’t come any bigger than FA Cup Quarter Finals. Except for FA Cup Semi-Finals, of course.

But personally speaking, I’m not bothered about triumph and glory every week. I just love being in the Premier League. As far as I’m concerned, we could lose every game we played – just so long as we didn’t get relegated at the end of the season.

I can only hope it doesn’t come down to us having to beat Manchester United on the last day of the season to stay up. Manchester United are the English Champions, European Champions, and World Champions. Which makes them at least as good as Blackburn in my book.

The way they’re playing, it looks like no one can beat them, but the game will come when somebody scores more than Manchester United - and that might just be the game they lose.

The last time we played them we put three past Edwin Van der Saar. And you can't score more than three goals at Old Trafford. Unless you score four, of course. Which they did. And which is why we lost.

Anyway, on to more immediate business, and Fulham in less than forty eight hours. I just hope Brownie puts out a team with some decent players in it this time. I’ve been a butcher for nearly forty years, and I know mince when I see it. And believe me, Kevin Kilbane is mince.

Not Michael Turner, though. If Michael Turner was French, he wouldn’t be called Michael Turner. He would be called Filet Mignon – which is French for Top Gaffer. As a footballer, Michael Turner is the finished article – and he’ll only improve with time.

As most of our best performances have come in London this season, playing another London side could be an omen. But I don't believe in omens. I believe in Amens. I only say that because one of my customers asked me today what's the difference between Phil Brown and God. I said I didn't know, so he told me that God doesn't think he's Phil Brown.

I asked him how he knew, but he said he was only kidding. I'm not very good at getting subtle humour like that, see. It usually goes straight over my head. It's a bit like lobbing Boaz Myhill, I suppose.

Anyway, whatever Brownie tries these days, it just doesn’t seem to be working. Come to think of it, neither am I. So I guess it’s back to the drawing board for him. And back to the chopping board for me.

Speaking words of wisdom.

Trevor.

Friday, 6 February 2009

Trevor Trumpet on Manchester United

My name is Trevor Trumpet. What I don't know about football you could write on the back of a double decker bus - if you did it in big enough letters, of course.

I should have been a football manager, but instead I became a butcher.

So it goes.

I know so much about football that people ask me all the time for tips and advice and stuff. My tip for this week is never to feed raw beef into the electric mincer while you're watching the latest transfer deadline day updates on Sky Sports News. Especially if it's Georgie Thompson who's giving them. That reminds me - if anyone has bought a pound or more of best mince steak from me since last Monday, please let me know if you find a sovereign ring. Thanks.

Anyway, I was just taking a look at our fixture list, and I see that our last game of the season is at home to Manchester United.

Now Manchester United are like the fillet steak of top flight football, whereas we are more like a pound of pork sausages, with aspirations to be a plate of lamb cutlets - if you get my drift.

As everyone knows, Manchester United are the reigning European Champions, which literally makes them the best team in the world. As far as I'm concerned, that also makes Manchester United the unofficial world club champions.

Now you can sum up Manchester United in just one word. And that's history and tradition. No other football club on the planet has more of either. Except Liverpool - and Real Madrid, of course.

But you can't deny that their form this season has been unbelievable. Truly unbelievable. Although it's easy to believe really when you just take a look at their squad.

Start with their goalkeeper, Edwin Van Der Saar. What a stopper. Six foot six inches of shaggy, dogged, continental brilliance. A true Great Dane, if ever there was one.

Van Der Saar has just set a record for keeping the most consecutive clean sheets. That's thirteen on the trot now, and he's still going strong.

Now I've always said that if you manage to keep a clean sheet, you've got a half decent chance of getting something out of the game. The fact that Manchester United have now not conceded in thirteen, and remain unbeaten in every game, is testimony to that.

Keep a clean sheet and the chances are you'll win more than you lose.

As I see it, the secret to Van Der Saar's performance is his age. He's 38 now, and obviously in the form of his life. But just look at David James and Jens Lehmann, for example. Goalkeepers aren't born these days until they reach 35, if you ask me.

Mind you, no matter how good a goalie you are, it helps to have a great defence in front of you.

Manchester United have always had a great defence, and that has traditionally formed the backbone of their team. The current central defensive pairing of Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand is second only to Steve Bruce and Gary Pallister.

By universal consent, Steve Bruce is one of the best defenders ever to have donned the famous red shirt at Old Trafford, and yet the record books show that he doesn't have a single international cap to his name. I don't know anyone who doesn't agree that if Steve Bruce had been born in any other country, he would have had at least fifty caps for England before he hung up his boots.

Anyway, I digress.

As I was saying, apart from their goalkeeper, their defence and their attack, the one single area where Manchester United are strongest is in midfield. Having said that, for me, their best midfielder has barely played a game for them due to chronic injury problems. That midfielder is Owen Hargreaves.

Although he missed most of last season due to injury, and will also miss all of this season and most of next, at just £18 million from Bayern Munich, Hargreaves was a bargain in my opinion.

Born in Canada and raised in Alberta and Germany, Hargreaves is an Englishman who showed in the World Cup that he's a genuine world class player who plays for his country with a passion. He's a one off - truly unique - and we need more players exactly like him if you ask me.

Owen Hargreaves has got a great future ahead of him, no question. It's just a pity he's going to miss most of it due to his injuries.

Now what Manchester United have always also had, of course, is great strikers. Some of the best strikers ever to have played the game of football have appeared in a Manchester United shirt over the years. The likes of Bobby Charlton, George Best, Eric Cantona and Alan Smith are just some of the names that spring to mind.

It takes years of practice and experience at the very highest level to become a natural born goalscorer, and few players come any more natural born than these.

As a butcher, I know my onions, I do, and bearing in mind their achievements over the past couple of seasons, the current Manchester United side is, in my view, probably the greatest football team ever to have graced this planet.

They are perfection personified - and I still think there's room for improvement.

You can't say any more than that. So I'll just add that bearing in mind they are still in all four major tournaments and looking to be literally unbeatable this season, Manchester United are my tip for the double this year.

Get your money on them now.

Speaking words of wisdom -

Trevor.