Hull City (‘The Tigers’) are a professional football club currently playing in the English Premier League, a division in which the team finished in a creditable seventeenth position (out of twenty) last season.
We are now looking to urgently recruit several experienced strikers (offensive goalscorers) in order to complement and reinforce our dynamic attacking department.
If you think you can –
- Run around the pitch for at least 60 minutes without looking as though you simply can’t be knacked with the effort of it all.
- Get off your backside and start at least jogging lethargically back to the halfway line within thirty seconds of losing the ball to the opposition and being dumped on your arse every five minutes.
- Understand the offside rule.
- Remember to apply it during matches.
- Shoot and cross a ball as effectively as you can abuse match officials.
- Avoid nightclubs, stolen cars, speeding fines, extra-marital relationships and general extra-curricular violence.
- Speak half a dozen words in English.
- Hit the side of a double decker bus with a space hopper from two yards.
- Score at least one, and preferably more than four goals in a season.
- Not have your own blogspot.
- Be neither Australian nor called Manucho,
- then we would be very interested to hear from you.
We are offering –
- A starting salary of £10,000 - £45,000 per week dependent upon injury record.
- Long term contract to cover all pension arrangements.
- Free medical treatment including reconstructive knee surgery if required.
- All expenses-paid convalescence in Colorado, USA.
- A busy and friendly treatment room with several ex-England internationals as regular company – soon to be supplemented if Michael Owen agrees to join us.
- Guaranteed free weekly 90 minute lesson in Hungarian should you find yourself on the substitutes’ bench.
- Regular coach trips to Blackburn, Bolton, Burnley, Wigan, Stoke and Wolverhampton.
- Free on-pitch oranges during half-time team talks.
- Automatic invitation to annual end of season party, including karaoke entertainment by the club manager.
All applications to be submitted in an A4 envelope, marked for the attention of Mr. P. Duffen, Chairman, Hull City AFC.
We are an equal opportunities employer and positively encourage applications from female, disabled and ethnic minority candidates. Applications from infirm candidates who are over 30 years of age and carrying career-threatening injuries, to whom we can offer the security of a long term, high value contract, are especially welcome.
An ability to communicate with your team mates using Morse Code, Semaphore, Sign Language or Braille is desirable but not essential. Candidates meeting the specified English standard will be given full training in the use of specialised terminology such as ‘Man on’, ‘Our throw’ and ‘You must be f*****g joking, linesman’.
Applicants should note that all shortlisted candidates will be invited to attend a series of aptitude tests at the KC Stadium, where a full range of cows, shovels, barn doors and banjos will be provided.
Previous applicants are positively encouraged to re-apply.
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