My name is Trevor Trumpet. What I don't know about football you could write on the back of a double decker bus - if you did it in big enough letters, of course.
I should have been a football manager, but instead I became a butcher.
So it goes.
I know so much about football that people ask me all the time for tips and advice and stuff. My tip for this week is never to feed raw beef into the electric mincer while you're watching the latest transfer deadline day updates on Sky Sports News. Especially if it's Georgie Thompson who's giving them. That reminds me - if anyone has bought a pound or more of best mince steak from me since last Monday, please let me know if you find a sovereign ring. Thanks.
Anyway, I was just taking a look at our fixture list, and I see that our last game of the season is at home to Manchester United.
Now Manchester United are like the fillet steak of top flight football, whereas we are more like a pound of pork sausages, with aspirations to be a plate of lamb cutlets - if you get my drift.
As everyone knows, Manchester United are the reigning European Champions, which literally makes them the best team in the world. As far as I'm concerned, that also makes Manchester United the unofficial world club champions.
Now you can sum up Manchester United in just one word. And that's history and tradition. No other football club on the planet has more of either. Except Liverpool - and Real Madrid, of course.
But you can't deny that their form this season has been unbelievable. Truly unbelievable. Although it's easy to believe really when you just take a look at their squad.
Start with their goalkeeper, Edwin Van Der Saar. What a stopper. Six foot six inches of shaggy, dogged, continental brilliance. A true Great Dane, if ever there was one.
Van Der Saar has just set a record for keeping the most consecutive clean sheets. That's thirteen on the trot now, and he's still going strong.
Now I've always said that if you manage to keep a clean sheet, you've got a half decent chance of getting something out of the game. The fact that Manchester United have now not conceded in thirteen, and remain unbeaten in every game, is testimony to that.
Keep a clean sheet and the chances are you'll win more than you lose.
As I see it, the secret to Van Der Saar's performance is his age. He's 38 now, and obviously in the form of his life. But just look at David James and Jens Lehmann, for example. Goalkeepers aren't born these days until they reach 35, if you ask me.
Mind you, no matter how good a goalie you are, it helps to have a great defence in front of you.
Manchester United have always had a great defence, and that has traditionally formed the backbone of their team. The current central defensive pairing of Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand is second only to Steve Bruce and Gary Pallister.
By universal consent, Steve Bruce is one of the best defenders ever to have donned the famous red shirt at Old Trafford, and yet the record books show that he doesn't have a single international cap to his name. I don't know anyone who doesn't agree that if Steve Bruce had been born in any other country, he would have had at least fifty caps for England before he hung up his boots.
Anyway, I digress.
As I was saying, apart from their goalkeeper, their defence and their attack, the one single area where Manchester United are strongest is in midfield. Having said that, for me, their best midfielder has barely played a game for them due to chronic injury problems. That midfielder is Owen Hargreaves.
Although he missed most of last season due to injury, and will also miss all of this season and most of next, at just £18 million from Bayern Munich, Hargreaves was a bargain in my opinion.
Born in Canada and raised in Alberta and Germany, Hargreaves is an Englishman who showed in the World Cup that he's a genuine world class player who plays for his country with a passion. He's a one off - truly unique - and we need more players exactly like him if you ask me.
Owen Hargreaves has got a great future ahead of him, no question. It's just a pity he's going to miss most of it due to his injuries.
Now what Manchester United have always also had, of course, is great strikers. Some of the best strikers ever to have played the game of football have appeared in a Manchester United shirt over the years. The likes of Bobby Charlton, George Best, Eric Cantona and Alan Smith are just some of the names that spring to mind.
It takes years of practice and experience at the very highest level to become a natural born goalscorer, and few players come any more natural born than these.
As a butcher, I know my onions, I do, and bearing in mind their achievements over the past couple of seasons, the current Manchester United side is, in my view, probably the greatest football team ever to have graced this planet.
They are perfection personified - and I still think there's room for improvement.
You can't say any more than that. So I'll just add that bearing in mind they are still in all four major tournaments and looking to be literally unbeatable this season, Manchester United are my tip for the double this year.
Get your money on them now.
Speaking words of wisdom -
Trevor.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Trevor Trumpet on Kamil Zayatte
My name is Trevor Trumpet. People who have seen my articles on here will all tell you the same thing. And that's when it comes to football's meat and potatoes, I know my onions.
I know so much about football that recently I won a phone-in competition on Talksport radio for the best call about George Best and the perils of social alcohol consumption.
I won a crate of John Smiths Bitter for that.
Anyway, today I'm going to educate you all about Kamil Zayatte.
Apparently we've just signed Zayatte from his club in Switzerland. I know this because I have just been on the Hull City official website, and they announced it on there only a few minutes ago. It’s brilliant how even football clubs these days can take advantage of technology to keep fans informed of all the goings on at their club – literally as they happen.
I didn't know Zayatte was from Switzerland - he doesn't look very Scandinavian to me. To be honest, though, I can never really tell these days since the world got globalised a couple of years ago and Brazilians started playing for Croatia.
Things have changed since I was a lad. It seems some Brazilian footballers these days can’t even tell the difference between a Brian and a Brenda. A John Thomas from a Janet Thomas – if you know what I mean.
But to tell you the truth, even though I know my onions, I'm a butcher and not a greengrocer. I can't tell the difference between a Swede and a Turnip, to be honest. Unless we're talking about England managers, of course.
Still, we all make mistakes. Even brilliant Brazilians.
Now he's a good player, Zayatte, but I've always said he has a bit of a black side to him. I think it might have something to do with him being foreign.
The truth is, even though he isn't Brazilian, he is partial to the odd boob or two.
Mind you, let's be honest – which young, hot-blooded footballer isn't?
I mean, Sam Ricketts has already put the ball in his own net this season, and although Sam is Welsh, he can also speak English.
So work that one out if you can.
Now there have been lots of calls for Zayatte to be taken out of defence and moved into in midfield, where most people seem to think he would be a far more dangerous player than where he plays at the moment.
I have to say that I disagree with this.
In my opinion Zayatte would be a far less dangerous player if he played in midfield. In midfield there is a lot less chance of him putting ball in his own net, or conceding a penalty every other match. He couldn't be any more dangerous playing where he does, if you ask me.
Anyway, while I was away at the European Pork Butchers Conference in Tel Aviv last month, I picked up a copy of the African equivalent of SHOOT! magazine.
In it there was an interview with Kamil Zayatte. He’s quite famous in the Far East, by all accounts. Of course, not being able to speak French, I couldn’t understand most of it. It was driving me mad, so I got the bus driver to sort me out for a few quid. He said there's no cash in hand jobs in Africa any more, so I was only too happy to let him relieve my frustration.
Nice guy - Ram Jam Full, he said his name was. He came from Birmingham, but he told me he was fluent in fifteen different languages, so I thought it was well worth the monkey I gave him for doing it.
Not a real monkey, mind. An African monkey - not a British one. I would never give anyone a real monkey for doing a few minutes' donkey work like that. I work hard for my money, I do. And monkeys don't grow on trees, you know. An African monkey's peanuts, anyway. A British monkey's five hundred quid.
Whatever, here’s the last part of Zayatte’s interview, as translated by Ram Jam - driver of coach number three.
“Obviously I was gutted when that first own goal went in against Sunderland, but when it happened a few days later against Aston Villa, it was like déjà vu all over again.
“But you just have to get your head down and forget about these things. If you don’t believe that you won’t improve and your luck will eventually turn sooner or later, there’s really no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day. “
If you ask me, Zayatte will come good. For all we know, he might well yet finish up as our Player of the Season.
It’s like I’ve always said – anything can happen in football. And mark my words - it usually does.
UTT – Up Trevor Trumpet.
I know so much about football that recently I won a phone-in competition on Talksport radio for the best call about George Best and the perils of social alcohol consumption.
I won a crate of John Smiths Bitter for that.
Anyway, today I'm going to educate you all about Kamil Zayatte.
Apparently we've just signed Zayatte from his club in Switzerland. I know this because I have just been on the Hull City official website, and they announced it on there only a few minutes ago. It’s brilliant how even football clubs these days can take advantage of technology to keep fans informed of all the goings on at their club – literally as they happen.
I didn't know Zayatte was from Switzerland - he doesn't look very Scandinavian to me. To be honest, though, I can never really tell these days since the world got globalised a couple of years ago and Brazilians started playing for Croatia.
Things have changed since I was a lad. It seems some Brazilian footballers these days can’t even tell the difference between a Brian and a Brenda. A John Thomas from a Janet Thomas – if you know what I mean.
But to tell you the truth, even though I know my onions, I'm a butcher and not a greengrocer. I can't tell the difference between a Swede and a Turnip, to be honest. Unless we're talking about England managers, of course.
Still, we all make mistakes. Even brilliant Brazilians.
Now he's a good player, Zayatte, but I've always said he has a bit of a black side to him. I think it might have something to do with him being foreign.
The truth is, even though he isn't Brazilian, he is partial to the odd boob or two.
Mind you, let's be honest – which young, hot-blooded footballer isn't?
I mean, Sam Ricketts has already put the ball in his own net this season, and although Sam is Welsh, he can also speak English.
So work that one out if you can.
Now there have been lots of calls for Zayatte to be taken out of defence and moved into in midfield, where most people seem to think he would be a far more dangerous player than where he plays at the moment.
I have to say that I disagree with this.
In my opinion Zayatte would be a far less dangerous player if he played in midfield. In midfield there is a lot less chance of him putting ball in his own net, or conceding a penalty every other match. He couldn't be any more dangerous playing where he does, if you ask me.
Anyway, while I was away at the European Pork Butchers Conference in Tel Aviv last month, I picked up a copy of the African equivalent of SHOOT! magazine.
In it there was an interview with Kamil Zayatte. He’s quite famous in the Far East, by all accounts. Of course, not being able to speak French, I couldn’t understand most of it. It was driving me mad, so I got the bus driver to sort me out for a few quid. He said there's no cash in hand jobs in Africa any more, so I was only too happy to let him relieve my frustration.
Nice guy - Ram Jam Full, he said his name was. He came from Birmingham, but he told me he was fluent in fifteen different languages, so I thought it was well worth the monkey I gave him for doing it.
Not a real monkey, mind. An African monkey - not a British one. I would never give anyone a real monkey for doing a few minutes' donkey work like that. I work hard for my money, I do. And monkeys don't grow on trees, you know. An African monkey's peanuts, anyway. A British monkey's five hundred quid.
Whatever, here’s the last part of Zayatte’s interview, as translated by Ram Jam - driver of coach number three.
“Obviously I was gutted when that first own goal went in against Sunderland, but when it happened a few days later against Aston Villa, it was like déjà vu all over again.
“But you just have to get your head down and forget about these things. If you don’t believe that you won’t improve and your luck will eventually turn sooner or later, there’s really no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day. “
If you ask me, Zayatte will come good. For all we know, he might well yet finish up as our Player of the Season.
It’s like I’ve always said – anything can happen in football. And mark my words - it usually does.
UTT – Up Trevor Trumpet.
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