Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Trevor Trumpet on Kamil Zayatte

My name is Trevor Trumpet. People who have seen my articles on here will all tell you the same thing. And that's when it comes to football's meat and potatoes, I know my onions.

I know so much about football that recently I won a phone-in competition on Talksport radio for the best call about George Best and the perils of social alcohol consumption.

I won a crate of John Smiths Bitter for that.

Anyway, today I'm going to educate you all about Kamil Zayatte.

Apparently we've just signed Zayatte from his club in Switzerland. I know this because I have just been on the Hull City official website, and they announced it on there only a few minutes ago. It’s brilliant how even football clubs these days can take advantage of technology to keep fans informed of all the goings on at their club – literally as they happen.

I didn't know Zayatte was from Switzerland - he doesn't look very Scandinavian to me. To be honest, though, I can never really tell these days since the world got globalised a couple of years ago and Brazilians started playing for Croatia.

Things have changed since I was a lad. It seems some Brazilian footballers these days can’t even tell the difference between a Brian and a Brenda. A John Thomas from a Janet Thomas – if you know what I mean.

But to tell you the truth, even though I know my onions, I'm a butcher and not a greengrocer. I can't tell the difference between a Swede and a Turnip, to be honest. Unless we're talking about England managers, of course.

Still, we all make mistakes. Even brilliant Brazilians.

Now he's a good player, Zayatte, but I've always said he has a bit of a black side to him. I think it might have something to do with him being foreign.

The truth is, even though he isn't Brazilian, he is partial to the odd boob or two.

Mind you, let's be honest – which young, hot-blooded footballer isn't?

I mean, Sam Ricketts has already put the ball in his own net this season, and although Sam is Welsh, he can also speak English.

So work that one out if you can.

Now there have been lots of calls for Zayatte to be taken out of defence and moved into in midfield, where most people seem to think he would be a far more dangerous player than where he plays at the moment.

I have to say that I disagree with this.

In my opinion Zayatte would be a far less dangerous player if he played in midfield. In midfield there is a lot less chance of him putting ball in his own net, or conceding a penalty every other match. He couldn't be any more dangerous playing where he does, if you ask me.

Anyway, while I was away at the European Pork Butchers Conference in Tel Aviv last month, I picked up a copy of the African equivalent of SHOOT! magazine.

In it there was an interview with Kamil Zayatte. He’s quite famous in the Far East, by all accounts. Of course, not being able to speak French, I couldn’t understand most of it. It was driving me mad, so I got the bus driver to sort me out for a few quid. He said there's no cash in hand jobs in Africa any more, so I was only too happy to let him relieve my frustration.

Nice guy - Ram Jam Full, he said his name was. He came from Birmingham, but he told me he was fluent in fifteen different languages, so I thought it was well worth the monkey I gave him for doing it.

Not a real monkey, mind. An African monkey - not a British one. I would never give anyone a real monkey for doing a few minutes' donkey work like that. I work hard for my money, I do. And monkeys don't grow on trees, you know. An African monkey's peanuts, anyway. A British monkey's five hundred quid.

Whatever, here’s the last part of Zayatte’s interview, as translated by Ram Jam - driver of coach number three.

Obviously I was gutted when that first own goal went in against Sunderland, but when it happened a few days later against Aston Villa, it was like déjà vu all over again.

“But you just have to get your head down and forget about these things. If you don’t believe that you won’t improve and your luck will eventually turn sooner or later, there’s really no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day. “

If you ask me, Zayatte will come good. For all we know, he might well yet finish up as our Player of the Season.

It’s like I’ve always said – anything can happen in football. And mark my words - it usually does.

UTT – Up Trevor Trumpet.

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