Trevor Trumpet On The Blackburn Game

My name is Trevor Trumpet.

I used to say that what I don’t know about football you could fit on a postage stamp. But as most people seem to send their letters by e-mail these days, I always now say that what I don’t know about football you could fit on a microchip.

In recognition of the fact that I know so much about the game, all my friends used to call me Clever Trevor. Now they have raised the bar and call me José, as they say that I’m also quite a special one.

It’s nice when people compliment you like that.

Anyway, I was gutted that we lost to Blackburn. We definitely deserved to win that game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half hour. We pummeled them from start to finish. We must have had a dozen corners. Maybe twelve. I don't know - I'm guessing. But only two teams were ever in that game – and we were one of them. If they hadn’t scored twice, we would have won.

The bloke who sits next to me said he thought we underestimated Blackburn – and that’s why Phil Brown put out a weakened team. But I don’t think we underestimated them – they just turned out to be a lot better than we thought.

Pity Geovanni missed that chance when he found himself unmarked in the box early on in the game. Geo is deadly ten times out of ten in those situations, but that wasn’t one of them.

I still don’t understand why Brownie didn’t bring Daniel Cousin on much earlier, though. We were losing 2-0, and as I see it, when you’ve got a fresh pair of legs up your sleeve, you’ve got to chance your arm.

But even though Brownie decided to take Geovanni off, and Dean Marney decided to take Gamst-Pedersen’s nadgers off, I wouldn't say we lost the game, really. We just ran out of time to get an equaliser.

By the way, that was quite a good strike by Marney, I thought. People always say that if Dean Marney had shot John Lennon, he’d still be alive today, but yesterday I think he proved them all wrong. He’s really quite the dead ball expert, after all. Although I do think he should apologise to Mrs. Gamst-Pedersen for putting his foot where no man's hand should go.

I noticed, by the way, that Phil Brown said after the game that Geovanni is not bigger than the club. Well he might be right about that, but he could have definitely said it about Aaron Lennon if he had been the one who had kicked a water bottle like that. Apart from a water bottle, Aaron Lennon can’t be bigger than anything, can he?

Watching him the other night when we played Spurs, five foot five looked even smaller in the flesh than it sounded in the programme. Marking him in the box, Anthony Gardner looked more like Gulliver in the land of Lilliput. I think that’s the reason Aaron Lennon kept lying down on the floor all the time – to try and disguise the height difference between the two of them. I can’t otherwise see why he should keep falling over all the time like that.

Anyway, even though we look as raw as a steak tartare at the moment, we’re still thirteenth in the Premier League, and apart from being in the top ten, you really can’t do better than that. We’ve still got a lot to look forward to. FA Cup Quarter Final coming up next. And football matches don’t come any bigger than FA Cup Quarter Finals. Except for FA Cup Semi-Finals, of course.

But personally speaking, I’m not bothered about triumph and glory every week. I just love being in the Premier League. As far as I’m concerned, we could lose every game we played – just so long as we didn’t get relegated at the end of the season.

I can only hope it doesn’t come down to us having to beat Manchester United on the last day of the season to stay up. Manchester United are the English Champions, European Champions, and World Champions. Which makes them at least as good as Blackburn in my book.

The way they’re playing, it looks like no one can beat them, but the game will come when somebody scores more than Manchester United - and that might just be the game they lose.

The last time we played them we put three past Edwin Van der Saar. And you can't score more than three goals at Old Trafford. Unless you score four, of course. Which they did. And which is why we lost.

Anyway, on to more immediate business, and Fulham in less than forty eight hours. I just hope Brownie puts out a team with some decent players in it this time. I’ve been a butcher for nearly forty years, and I know mince when I see it. And believe me, Kevin Kilbane is mince.

Not Michael Turner, though. If Michael Turner was French, he wouldn’t be called Michael Turner. He would be called Filet Mignon – which is French for Top Gaffer. As a footballer, Michael Turner is the finished article – and he’ll only improve with time.

As most of our best performances have come in London this season, playing another London side could be an omen. But I don't believe in omens. I believe in Amens. I only say that because one of my customers asked me today what's the difference between Phil Brown and God. I said I didn't know, so he told me that God doesn't think he's Phil Brown.

I asked him how he knew, but he said he was only kidding. I'm not very good at getting subtle humour like that, see. It usually goes straight over my head. It's a bit like lobbing Boaz Myhill, I suppose.

Anyway, whatever Brownie tries these days, it just doesn’t seem to be working. Come to think of it, neither am I. So I guess it’s back to the drawing board for him. And back to the chopping board for me.

Speaking words of wisdom.

Trevor.