Trevor Trumpet on Kamil Zayatte

My name is Trevor Trumpet. People who have seen my articles on here will all tell you the same thing. And that's when it comes to football's meat and potatoes, I know my onions.

I know so much about football that recently I won a phone-in competition on Talksport radio for the best call about George Best and the perils of social alcohol consumption.

I won a crate of John Smiths Bitter for that.

Anyway, today I'm going to educate you all about Kamil Zayatte.

Apparently we've just signed Zayatte from his club in Switzerland. I know this because I have just been on the Hull City official website, and they announced it on there only a few minutes ago. It’s brilliant how even football clubs these days can take advantage of technology to keep fans informed of all the goings on at their club – literally as they happen.

I didn't know Zayatte was from Switzerland - he doesn't look very Scandinavian to me. To be honest, though, I can never really tell these days since the world got globalised a couple of years ago and Brazilians started playing for Croatia.

Things have changed since I was a lad. It seems some Brazilian footballers these days can’t even tell the difference between a Brian and a Brenda. A John Thomas from a Janet Thomas – if you know what I mean.

But to tell you the truth, even though I know my onions, I'm a butcher and not a greengrocer. I can't tell the difference between a Swede and a Turnip, to be honest. Unless we're talking about England managers, of course.

Still, we all make mistakes. Even brilliant Brazilians.

Now he's a good player, Zayatte, but I've always said he has a bit of a black side to him. I think it might have something to do with him being foreign.

The truth is, even though he isn't Brazilian, he is partial to the odd boob or two.

Mind you, let's be honest – which young, hot-blooded footballer isn't?

I mean, Sam Ricketts has already put the ball in his own net this season, and although Sam is Welsh, he can also speak English.

So work that one out if you can.

Now there have been lots of calls for Zayatte to be taken out of defence and moved into in midfield, where most people seem to think he would be a far more dangerous player than where he plays at the moment.

I have to say that I disagree with this.

In my opinion Zayatte would be a far less dangerous player if he played in midfield. In midfield there is a lot less chance of him putting ball in his own net, or conceding a penalty every other match. He couldn't be any more dangerous playing where he does, if you ask me.

Anyway, while I was away at the European Pork Butchers Conference in Tel Aviv last month, I picked up a copy of the African equivalent of SHOOT! magazine.

In it there was an interview with Kamil Zayatte. He’s quite famous in the Far East, by all accounts. Of course, not being able to speak French, I couldn’t understand most of it. It was driving me mad, so I got the bus driver to sort me out for a few quid. He said there's no cash in hand jobs in Africa any more, so I was only too happy to let him relieve my frustration.

Nice guy - Ram Jam Full, he said his name was. He came from Birmingham, but he told me he was fluent in fifteen different languages, so I thought it was well worth the monkey I gave him for doing it.

Not a real monkey, mind. An African monkey - not a British one. I would never give anyone a real monkey for doing a few minutes' donkey work like that. I work hard for my money, I do. And monkeys don't grow on trees, you know. An African monkey's peanuts, anyway. A British monkey's five hundred quid.

Whatever, here’s the last part of Zayatte’s interview, as translated by Ram Jam - driver of coach number three.

“Obviously I was gutted when that first own goal went in against Sunderland, but when it happened a few days later against Aston Villa, it was like déjà vu all over again.

“But you just have to get your head down and forget about these things. If you don’t believe that you won’t improve and your luck will eventually turn sooner or later, there’s really no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day. “

If you ask me, Zayatte will come good. For all we know, he might well yet finish up as our Player of the Season.

It’s like I’ve always said – anything can happen in football. And mark my words - it usually does.

UTT – Up Trevor Trumpet.

Trevor Trumpet on the West Ham Game

Thought we were unlucky last night. It was a good all round performance from the lads and you don't deserve to lose a game when your keeper saves a penalty. I thought our luck had changed at last. I don't believe in luck, but I do believe you need as much of it as you can get .

I thought our defence was excellent, as it always is. We could have got a 0-0 if they hadn't scored their two goals.

Having said that, we've already let in 44 goals this season, and 17 in the last six games, so maybe there are some small warning signs to indicate that Brownie should think about trying to tighten it up just a little bit at the back.

Personally I think the answer is very simple. Brownie needs to start playing a five man back four. If he does that and sticks with his new five man midfield, then I can't see us having any more problems at all this season. Apart from not being able to score goals, of course.

I don't believe in criticising our players, but Kevin Kilbane was rubbish last night. Not as rubbish as Ian Ashbee, though. I've always tried to speak up for Caleb Folan, but now I can see why he takes so much stick off so many of our fans. He was a complete waste of space. He just sat on the bench the whole match and did absolutely nothing.

Michael Turner wasn't Michael Turner last night, and neither was Sam Ricketts.

What we need is more players like Dean Marney. I know Dean Marney has his faults - he can't pass, he can't shoot, he can't tackle, he can't head a ball and he can't score goals, but apart from that, he's every inch the Premier League player.

And that Jimmy Bullard. What a player. I'm glad we've got him. True class. He's like the English equivalent of David Beckham.

Anyway, we've got a lot to cheer about. We've never had it as good as this. Except when it was a lot better a few months ago.

So everyone get yourselves to West Brom on Saturday. I'll be there as usual, and I'll be expecting more of the same, only this time something completely different.

I'll be back soon.

Trevor Trumpet - speaking words of wisdom as always.

Tiger Talk with Trevor Trumpet

My name is Trevor Trumpet and I’ve been following the Tigers all my life. Even longer than that, to tell you the truth. I’m no Johnny Come Lately, me. You could never call me a plastic fan. I’m about as plastic as a pint glass, I am. A real pint glass, I mean. Not like one of them you get at the KC Stadium. They’re rubbish, they are. They really are plastic.

You can’t call yourself a real Hull City fan unless you’ve done your time like I have. It wasn’t always this poncey Premier League carry on, I’ll tell you. Oh no. I’ve made more round trips to Torquay on the back seat of a Simon Gray bus than Jon Parkin has had hot dinners. And probably cold ones, too.

For every Jimmy Bullard at this club, we’ve had two dozen Aaron Wilbrahams – let me tell you. I don’t know how many hot dinners Jimmy Bullard has had, by the way. But he looks as though he could do with one or two more to me.

Anyway, the point is, when it comes to the Tigers, I know what I’m talking about. In my back bedroom I’ve got a collection of match day programmes and used Golden Goal tickets so big that it should practically qualify me to be the manager of Hull City by now. You don’t freeze your nuts off on Bunkers Hill every other weekend for forty odd years without learning a thing or two about football.

When I’m not supporting the Tigers, I’m a butcher. I’ve been butchering even longer than I’ve been a Hull City fan. People who come into my shop all say the same thing. And that’s when it comes to meat, Trumpet knows his onions. And it’s the same with the Tigers. I know my onions, I do. I haven’t always been a butcher, by the way. I used to specialise in tripe, but less and less people seemed to be interested in my tripe as time went on, so I became a butcher instead. Must be five years ago now.

People listen to what I say. I usually say it quite loud, so that tends to help. I once got a letter about Dean Windass published in the Hull Daily Mail. They put a big red border round it and made it Star Letter of the Week. It was so good they sent me a tenner for it. I wanted to put the money towards a replica shirt in the club shop, but they were all too small. They got me to fill out a special order form with my size on it, but they still couldn’t get one. I know I’m no Jimmy Bullard, but to be honest, even I’ll admit that the last time I’d seen so many “X”’s on a single sheet of paper was when my maths teacher gave me my final year exam paper back. Still, you don’t need to be good at maths to be a butcher. Apart from when you’re weighing out the meat and selling it to customers and working out their change and stuff, of course.

There’s money in meat, there is. And there’s worse things than being a butcher. At the end of the day, it’s a bloody job, isn’t it?

I mounted that letter in a black and amber frame and hung it in my downstairs toilet, by the way. Twice, in actual fact. One behind the toilet, one in front. So you can read it whatever you're doing, if you see what I mean. I don’t think anyone has ever come out of my bog and failed to mention it. Incidentally, I said in my letter that after Waggy and Chillo, Deano was probably the third best striker City have ever had. And you can’t get any higher praise than that.

Anyway, that’s me introduced. I’ll be coming on here regularly as from now – just to let you know what I think about how things are. I tell it straight, I do. Some people seem to just piddle round the edges and everything becomes grey. I don’t like grey, me. At the end of the day, life is black and white, and that’s the way I tell it. It’s just the same in football. You either win or you lose, and there’s no in between. Unless you draw, of course.

So I’m looking forward to swapping banter with everyone who agrees with me. You might find me a bit loud, but I’m a good sort and I mean no harm. It’s just the way I am. I’ve got my views and I like to air them. It’s like my wife has always said – if you’re lucky enough to have a trumpet, then don’t be afraid to blow it.

I’ll be getting ready for West Ham soon. Big game, this one. Could shape the rest of our season. A lot of people might not agree with that, but I personally do.

I said years ago that I would never do predictions, but I’ve never been the type to sit on the fence, either. You’ll never catch me doing that.

So I think this will be a close game; fifty-fifty – could go either way.